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While new Chef de Mission, Ian Chesterman was puffing his chest out at the closing ceremony of the Vancouver Olympics, highly unreliable sources said that former chef, Australian Olympic Supremo, Director of Events NSW, Special Counsel Kemp Strang Lawyers, Director of the Duke of Westminster's Grosvenor Group's Australian subsidiaries, Deputy Chairmanship of David Jones, Chairman of William Inglis, member of the Grant Samuel Advisory Board, Member of the Sydney Olympic Park Authority, Chairman of the Australian Olympic Foundation, member of International Olympic Committee Executive, Member IOC Juridical Commission, Member IOC TV Rights and New Media Commission, Member IOC London 2012 Co-ordination Commission, Member of the Board of the International Tribunal Arbitral Du Sport (ICAS), Continental Representative, International Rowing Federation, former cox, the mercurial, Aussie John Coates was cooking up grand plans for Australia to host the Winter Olympics at Mount Crackenback.


At a slug of $1.35B to Australian tax payers, Coates is reported to have said that it would be absolutely the best investment the Rod Laver Government could make in stimulating the Australian Olympic economy.


An important spin off would be revitalization of the Snowy Mountains economy, particularly for the Mormon church. Elders Smith, Goldsborough and Mort of the Cooma Tabernackle (sic)  reportedly said that following the gold medal performance of one of their communicants, it would provide the faithful with a wonderful boost. They had already got word back from Salt Lake City that there would be an influx of Mormans and their wives to watch the Games. The Cooma Council is considering making Cooma a caffeine, alcohol and sex free zone for the duration of the carnival.

Olympic supremo, sporting visionary,financial

and legal guru, John Dowling Coates


The last time the Olympic Games were hosted in Australia it only cost Australian governments $8B. $1.35B is a drop in the ocean but the AOC would reportedly only be putting its hand out for $135m as its spotters fee. (Apparently the AOC were pissed off that they only got $88m from the Sydney Olympic slush fund.) Advice provided by a leading group of economic forecasters indicated that the event will generate $13.5B in revenue for Australia over the fours years leading up to the event and another $13.5B in the four years after it, and that the AOC would well deserve $135m for its efforts.


The $1.35B of government money would be put to use constructing refrigerated luge and bobsled courses, three ice cream arenas, one for warming up, one for competition and the other for cooling down, plus the erection of the thing people leap off and fly for hundreds of metres.


The snow board facilities would double as skate board and roller-blade facilities in the summer.


When questioned, it was thought the Coates was heard to say that over the past couple of weeks he'd been convinced that the world was entering a period of global cooling. People had been snow bound across North America, and Australia could expect bumper snow seasons over the next 10 years before global warming came back again. Australia would have plenty of snow, plus the luge, bobsled and the ice cream arenas would be open all year to attract kiddies with Olympian ambitions.


The anticipated avalanche of melting snow would  cause the Hume Dam to back up to Corryong and for the second time in 100 years, the Premier of South Australia would be filling sandbags in Renmark.


Brumbies will be moved out of the area.


The Premier of Victoria John Brumby was said to have been mightily aggrieved that the Olympics were not being held at Falls Creek.


Coates is alleged to have said that there would be a boom in Cooma and Jindabyne and David Jones was looking at expanding into the area. The Duke of Westminster is also alleged to have got his Australian representative to cast his eye over a few properties.  Sources said the NSW Minister for Transport was considering re-opening the line from Queanbeyan to Cooma and putting in a faster train from Sydney to cope with anticipated demand. Leighton and Worley Parsons proprietors were said to be rubbing their hands with glee, not that there's been much glee for Leighton and Worley Parsons proprietors over the last 12 months.


On another note, Coates is reported as saying he was pissed off at all the armchair criticisms from people back home complaining they couldn't work out why the Australia Winter Olympic Team was not wearing green and gold uniforms. Apparently they didn't listen when it was announced that new colour arrangements had been made so Australian athletes wouldn't be confused with those from Soud African.


Coates is alleged to have said that it was the AOC who decided what the team would wear, not the Australian public. The fact that mug taxpayers paid for them was neither here nor there as far as he was concerned. Snow is white, so why shouldn't the Australia team be dressed in white, so they could blend in?


Coates is alleged to have dared Alan Jones to put in his two bob's worth.


It's bunkum


Frank Blunt

Syndicating columnist

March 2010